My hand turned me down
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
