There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
