Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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