got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Randomize
