tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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