Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
