I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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