Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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