It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Holy shit dude........stairs
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
