forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
