Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
