mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
