Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
