Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
