i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
