I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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