I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
