ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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