I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
