I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
