why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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