Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
a search helicopter?!
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
