??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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