My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
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He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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