Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sext me about skeletons
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
