Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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