His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
a search helicopter?!
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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