I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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