It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
