Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
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She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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