We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
