Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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