Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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