I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.