woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
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I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
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We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?