Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
These tits shall not be calmed
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
