I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
