I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
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I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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