on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
