I wanna bring you to show and tell
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
