you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize