im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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