Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
