I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
