She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
