No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
