I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
