Where did you get a picture of my penis
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
