he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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