life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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