Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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