shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
