Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
