I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
