If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cannot find my penis.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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