were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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