Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
