I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize