Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You are a booty call, not a friend.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
